Wow, one year has officially has passed. That was quite fast! But I can't believe on how poor I did for my classes. Shit. I let down my parents and myself. I know the reason why. But I am not going to tell. Not yet. I'm not ready.
Friends. Yes, being alone here in Seattle, friends are very important. But so far, I think the ones I hang out with is not my true friends, unfortunately. I still remember what my English 101 teacher, Mrs. Storms, said about my type of friends: "I guess they're are not your true friends." This thought has loomed in my head for about a year now and I couldn't shake it off. I find it hard to find true friends in this life.
I find that I am the type "friend" that is being made fun of and that's it. After that, I am ignored. For example, let's say "a" is my friend. Whenever I go out with him and "a" and I meets new friends, he would not hesitate, to talk about my embarrassing past. Thus the new friends' initial impression is that I am a complete asshole. My pride is destroyed and can never be rebuilt that its original state. I tried talking to "a" countless times about it, but sure as hell, "a" wouldn't budge. Great.
I think that this quarter, I am going to try to be an introvert this quarter and must get a good gpa. Also I must go to the gym and prepare for army.
So many things are going on in my mind that I chose not to write. So many things I want to say but cannot. It's just making this worse. It's the letting go part that is the hardest.
Week 1 is now finished and now onwards to week 2!
Friday, April 8, 2011
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Journal #4
Sigh... 1 month whizzed past in a blink of an eye. I am a delinquent. I can't do anything right. Everything I set out to do failed. I don't know what has happened to me. I can't study any subjects anymore. I tried studying Chinese, but after doing a few questions I got distracted. I need help!
I wish I could be hardworking and concentrate more on my studies. God! I need help! I need YOUR guidance to lead me on the right path. Sigh. I feel that I have gone the wrong path for so long that I'm not sure whether I can get back on track. I need my mom to help me study. I am truly useless. I feel guilty about the people who actually like me. Because, I am like a coin. Sometimes I'm on my good side, and sometimes I really am so lazy. I hate myself.
But I really liked what Sean said to me yesterday. He told me to think positive and try to concentrate more. I got to believe in myself that I can do it! I must succeed! For my family! My parents' blood and sweat! For Lady N! For myself, so that I could realized that I could actually be that good.
I wish I could be hardworking and concentrate more on my studies. God! I need help! I need YOUR guidance to lead me on the right path. Sigh. I feel that I have gone the wrong path for so long that I'm not sure whether I can get back on track. I need my mom to help me study. I am truly useless. I feel guilty about the people who actually like me. Because, I am like a coin. Sometimes I'm on my good side, and sometimes I really am so lazy. I hate myself.
But I really liked what Sean said to me yesterday. He told me to think positive and try to concentrate more. I got to believe in myself that I can do it! I must succeed! For my family! My parents' blood and sweat! For Lady N! For myself, so that I could realized that I could actually be that good.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Journal #3
Sorry mom, I failed you. I did not keep my word. I did not study chinese everyday, I'm a failure. Mostly because I'm distracted by the PSP and the internet, those vile things. Also, Lady N is deep inside my thoughts. I couldn't get her off my head, partly because I didn't want to forget her. I needed her for that extra boost, to go that extra mile. Sigh.
Well, my maths teacher gave me the ACS prelim paper and the chemistry tutor gave me 8 years series. To be frank, I didn't care how much work they gave me because I want to do as much as I can do improve my grades. But after I wrote this I soon realized, "easier said than done". Especially for chinese. No matter, I'll strive as hard as I can and I'll do my work with motivation and with glee.
I will not fail you twice mom!
Well, my maths teacher gave me the ACS prelim paper and the chemistry tutor gave me 8 years series. To be frank, I didn't care how much work they gave me because I want to do as much as I can do improve my grades. But after I wrote this I soon realized, "easier said than done". Especially for chinese. No matter, I'll strive as hard as I can and I'll do my work with motivation and with glee.
I will not fail you twice mom!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Journal #2 - Alone
I woke up, afresh at 10 am. The warm morning rays glistened on the floor, the floor was cold and damp, the air wafting around me felt heavy. I realized something - Mom is going back to Indonesia! I totally forgot! I scrambled to my feet and dashed downstairs to find my mom packing all her stuff into the luggage.
At that moment, two thing came into my mind; I was a free man without anyone to govern me. I could do what ever I want whenever I want. I was like a bird that flew out of a cage. Think of all the fun I could have: I could wake up late and not do anything everyday! But the second thing was quite frightening. Time management. Over the past year, no, my whole life I was poor in time management. Now it was time to put my foot down and starting being independent. I am a teenager aren't I? I have to step up and become a gentleman one day. And that day is today.
At that moment, two thing came into my mind; I was a free man without anyone to govern me. I could do what ever I want whenever I want. I was like a bird that flew out of a cage. Think of all the fun I could have: I could wake up late and not do anything everyday! But the second thing was quite frightening. Time management. Over the past year, no, my whole life I was poor in time management. Now it was time to put my foot down and starting being independent. I am a teenager aren't I? I have to step up and become a gentleman one day. And that day is today.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Journal #1 (The dream)
Couple days ago, I dreamed about Lady N. It was a beautiful dream, nonetheless. But when I woke up, I was punched in the face by reality. I was down in the dumps, knowing that the dream would never come true. Also, we are worlds apart, literally. She is in my second country and I am on my home country. And to put the icing in the cake I don't even know that she even likes me. Night after night passed and I couldn't sleep; I tossed and turned put it didn't do any good.
Days passed so slowly, it was like watching paint dry. Maybe its because I kept thinking about Lady N, or I was a coward. Trying to avoid her. The weight inside me is starting to take its toll, I lost interest in my studies, not that I had the will to start with. I felt that writing this journal could keep me sane, and as my memoirs.
But the odd thing is, I know that Lady N doesn't fancy me, but I know that in my heart I can't stop liking her. The more I think of her, the more I felt that it was meant to be. Sigh... I feel dispirited already.
A year ago, I still can recall those times that we spent talking to each other. Those times felt like light years ago. I don't know why I feel this way, it could be the rain that just finished a couple hours ago. The air around me felt so heavy, or maybe it was just me. I'll admit that I'm a tinny bit jealous but I can't help it.
As I listen to Second Chance by Shinedown , these words rang in my head "Sometimes Goodbye is a second chance". At first I couldn't accept it, my brain wouldn't allow it. Later after minutes of just thinking what to write next, I figured is just to plough through, and act as if nothing happened. But one thing is for sure; let's hope that there even is a second chance... soon.
Oh and another thought, love is one thing but too much love is called an obsession. The question is: Am I in love or do I have an obsession for Lady N?
Days passed so slowly, it was like watching paint dry. Maybe its because I kept thinking about Lady N, or I was a coward. Trying to avoid her. The weight inside me is starting to take its toll, I lost interest in my studies, not that I had the will to start with. I felt that writing this journal could keep me sane, and as my memoirs.
But the odd thing is, I know that Lady N doesn't fancy me, but I know that in my heart I can't stop liking her. The more I think of her, the more I felt that it was meant to be. Sigh... I feel dispirited already.
A year ago, I still can recall those times that we spent talking to each other. Those times felt like light years ago. I don't know why I feel this way, it could be the rain that just finished a couple hours ago. The air around me felt so heavy, or maybe it was just me. I'll admit that I'm a tinny bit jealous but I can't help it.
As I listen to Second Chance by Shinedown , these words rang in my head "Sometimes Goodbye is a second chance". At first I couldn't accept it, my brain wouldn't allow it. Later after minutes of just thinking what to write next, I figured is just to plough through, and act as if nothing happened. But one thing is for sure; let's hope that there even is a second chance... soon.
Oh and another thought, love is one thing but too much love is called an obsession. The question is: Am I in love or do I have an obsession for Lady N?
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